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“Fat” Phil Kahanamoku

After reading about the US census relating to some rather small cities in Hawaii, I came across a census-designated location known as Wainaku. The unemployment rate seemed rather low, and so I decided to inspect further.

I traveled to the nearest outpost since I do not receive phone signal in the desolate locations where I reside. The operator forwarded me to another hub, and the operator there (her name was Zooey, a name I’m sure as pretty as the person wielding it) had me put on hold for about 45 minutes, until she finally forwarded me to the only person in Wainaku that owned a phone, Phil Kahanamoku. This man sounded rugged, as if his beard kept rustling against the receiver as he narrated the recent troubles in Wainaku. He asked to be referred to as “Fat” (A name he refused to give me backstory about), and he continued to speak how he pays all his residents, entirely out of pity. None of them would work, and as such, he ran every business by himself. Apparently, the census-designated location was entirely self-sufficient from this one man.


I congratulated his progress, and wished him the best of luck to continuing. Maybe some day they’ll have a handful of tourists that need a job.


-Stephen G. Mangum


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