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The Future of the Fortress (

If you’re one of the few lucky individuals who took a tour of our brand new official Threefourt office last week you probably heard a few nasty words come out of our mouths in regards to how we feel about Team Fortress 2. We apologize for any pain these words might have caused, but nowadays it’s hardly a rare occurrence to hear some employee complain “I’m fuck-sick of Team Fortress 2.”

And it’s true. I’m going to be the first one to make this official announcement: here at, we are fuck-sick of Team Fortress 2.

We realize this might come as a disappointment for so many of our readers who come here for our exclusive Team Fortress 2 articles. Don’t worry, we’ll still be writing such articles. Currently, zzzdude and I are currently devising a system we call “procedural writing” as a way of generating enjoyable articles which will hopefully streamline the writing process and make things easier on us (the writers) and more enjoyable for you (the readers). Both zzzdude and I have very little experience coding such complex programs, so it’s been a long and arduous journey to get to the point which we are now where we feel confident this new method of writing is as convincing as a real person.

In the next few days you should hopefully see a new article being posted by either triple-z or myself showcasing this new technology. If we’ve done it right, you shouldn’t even be able to tell a computer wrote it. However, it won’t be without its own bugs so if you catch any please email us a comprehensive bug report so we can hopefully fix these minor errors before they become too problematic. If we are sufficiently satisfied with the response, every post here on out will be procedurally generated.

Thank you for your readership,

~~ Xx-releasecandidate-xX ~~

by the way, I’ve been kidnapped by the Mexican drug cartel if someone could please contact my mother Ann Baker in Norcross, GA and tell her I’m alright, I’d be very thankful.



Merry X-Mas

For Threefourt’s second Christmas, zzzdude commissioned another Christmas drawing from me so here it is:

Jesus chrsit

If you want to make it into a wallpaper, you can resize it in pretty much any image editing program, just make sure it’s set to “Bicubic Resize” because that’s the best quality.

Let’s not forget that Christmas is just not about presence, it’s about the birth of Jesus who came to earth on this very day 2,009 years ago.

I hope you all have had a very wonderful Christmas!

New Faces

When zzzdude informed me there would be two new writers for ThreeFourt I was understandably angry. So angry, in fact, that I threw a tantrum and locked myself in my room and refused to leave. All I wanted to do was be a famous blog writer and he wasn’t letting me and that was unfair. He then tried to coax me out of there by offering to drive me to McDonalds to buy me a Happy Meal, but I was not going to be pursued that easily. He then told me of his plan to go to McDonalds alone and warned me the only Happy Meal being purchased would be for himself and I would only be receiving a small shake. I was broken.

On the way to McDonalds we had a good discussion. A real man-to-man chat. He shared his feelings about the future of the blog and how he wanted to see it grow and I shared my thoughts with him. I believe a great deal of reader support comes from having a small and dedicated writing team. Readers enjoy seeing familiar faces on the blog fontpage and find it easier to relate to a writer with whom they have read previous works of. In the same way one might find difficulty identifying with a larger corporation over a small Mom&Pop store, a larger writing team means more and more faces with which readers will have to identify with in order to have a satisfying blog experience.

While it’s true more writers will bring more articles and a larger reader base, how can we be sure the articles will be of sufficient quality? Many popular blogs are criticized for their lack of both journalistic integrity and quality of articles. How can we be sure our blog will not wander into the same pitfall?

I shared with zzzdude a concern of mine in which my strival for excellence would be hindered by these new, up and coming blog writers. Early in late 2006, I had made it a goal of mine to become a famous blog writer by December of 2013. I have slowly been progressing in the ranks and I see my goal being achieved. But just barely. New writers bring new names and will shroud my face. Before the new writers, I was 1/3 of this blog. People noticed me, noticed my articles and their high level of quality. With these new writers, I am now only 1/5 of the blog. A nobody, essentially. Despite this, I realize we can’t simply dump the new writers, both they and zzzdude have made commitments which simply can’t be reversed. I must say I will do anything in my power to make sure my progress is not damamged by these newcomers.

All points aside, I have made it a goal of mine to come to accept a larger blog. Having read some of both moo and andy’s work, I can assure you both are extremely skilled writers and will have much to bring to the blog. As we always have, we will continue to push our quality standards and continue being an active part of our reading community. We hope you come to accept these new writers as you have accepted zzzdude, peabnuts and I.

IN OTHER NEWS: NEW TF2 post in the works, look out for this one!!


Today’s Update News

I don’t understand what this is about, could someone please explain?

Today’s Update News

I don’t understand what this is all about, could someone explain?

There are no black people in TF2

It’s embarrassing in this day and age a well-respected company like Valve has to result to hateful bigotry in order to get a cheap laugh. For shame. Valve knows what they are doing is wrong and should know they are excluding a large portion of their user base by keeping this terrible example of modern-day intolerance present in their game. To have popularized businesses such as Valve still  releasing content containing so much zealous hate, an issue which I thought was solved decades ago, and having people buy this hate as though they are oblivious to its existence it is a disgusting reflection on the population of our country, a country which I love.

But what sickens me more is the community. Did anyone even question Valve’s new game direction? Did anyone think what Valve was doing was wrong or care enough to ask what effect this might be having on our children? No. Not one of you had the heart to stand to Valve’s discrimination against these typically normal individuals. Not one of you laid your foot down, emailed Gabe or did anything in order to have this problem solved. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Here at Three Fourt, we like to think of ourselves as revolutionists and we will do what we can in order to influence Valve enough to fix this shameful error. Of course, we can’t do this by ourselves, we must ask our readers for help. Do what you can. Whether it is emailing Gabe or writing your congressman, ever bit helps.

Right the wrongs. End discrimination.

~ R C ~

Scout Achievement Details Announced

Valve released the info on each achievement.  Here’s the list of achievements, what they mean and what we predicted they would be. We also give ourselves points for how close we are to the correct answer. Get a certain amount of points, and we win!


A Year to Remember
We we said: Use 7 flags on capture point.

What it actually is: Get 2004 lifetime kills.

It wasn’t until after we made that last post that we realized the icon was supposed to be the World Series trophy. Just shows how much we know about baseball.

0 points


Artful Dodger
We we said: Dodge 25 bullets with one gulp of the Atomic Energy Drink.

What it actually is: Dodge 1000 damage in a single life using your Bonk! Atomic Punch.

Close. I suppose counting with damage would make much more sense.

.5 points

Batter Up
We we said: Jump 5 times hitting 5 enemies in each jump.

What it actually is:  Perform 1000 double jumps.

If the achievement doesn’t make use of the bat, why is it called “Batter Up” and why does it have a picture of the scout using his bat?

0 points

Batting the Doctor
We we said: Kill 50 Medics with the bat.

What it actually is: Kill a Medic that is ready to deploy an ÜberCharge.

We would have got this if we weren’t confused by what, exactly, the bat was hitting in this icon.

0 points

We we said: Hit 25 enemies with Sandman ball.

What it actually is: Stun a scout with their own ball.
So I suppose it’s confirmed. Scouts will be able to hit one another’s baseballs back at them. This could be interesting in the case of an endless loop with scouts hitting baseballs back and forth to one another.

0 points

Belittled Beleauger

We we said: Kill whoever is holding intelligence 5 times.

What it actually is: Kill an opposing player that has your intelligence while holding theirs.

0 points

Block the Plate
We we said: Defend capture point.

What it actually is:  Block 50 point captures.

Yeah, blocking it just once would be just a bit too easy, huh?

.25 points

We we said: Defend Payload

What it actually is: Stun 50 enemies while they are capturing a point or pushing the cart.

Again, another case of our version being too easy.

.25 points

Caught Napping
We we said: Kill an AFK enemy

What it actually is:  Kill 50 enemies from behind with the Force-A-Nature.

Well, this looks like a pretty ordina– wait a minute. Force-A-Nature? Scout’s third unlockable?

0 points

We we said: Kill someone who has just used a teleporter, and destroy the exit afterwards.

What it actually is: Destroy 3 teleporter entrances.
I knew Valve would never condone such cruel behavior.

0 points


Doctoring the Ball
We we said: Hit enemy with sandman while being ubered.

What it actually is: Kill 3 enemies while under the effects of a Medic’s ÜberCharge.
0 points

Dodgers 1, Giants 0
We we said: Kill heavy while he’s eating Sandvich.

What it actually is: Kill an enemy Heavy and take his Sandvich.
Awesome. We will now be able to recreate Meet The Scout by stealing Heavy’s precious Sandvich.

.5 points

Fall Classic
We we said: Knock someone into the sawblade on one of the new maps.

What it actually is: Cause an environmental death or suicide using the Force-A-Nature’s knockback.

While this doens’t mean a new gamemode, Force-A-Nature will have a knockback effect. Maybe similar to Pyro’s airblast?

0 points

First Blood
We we said: Be the first to kill an enemy in a round.

What it actually is: Get the first kill in an Arena match.

.5 points

First Blood, Part 2
We we said: Be the first to kill an enemy in a round with a bat.

What it actually is: Kill 5 enemies with the First Blood crit buff.

It appears scouts will get a critical hit buff after being the first to kill in a round, which sounds like great fun!

0 points

Foul Territory
We we said: Save yourself from a deathly fall by double jumping at the last second.

What it actually is:  Cause an environmental death by stunning an enemy.
0 points

Gun Down
We we said: Get 6 kills with pistol in a single life.

What it actually is: Destroy an active sentry gun using your pistol.

0 points

If You Build It
We we said: Destroy an enemy sentry.

What it actually is: Destroy 3 enemy buildings while they are still under construction.

0 points

I’m Bat Man
What we said: Get 100 kills with the bat.

What it actually is: Survive 500 damage in one life.

0 points

Moon Shot
We we said: Stun an enemy from 200 feet away with the Sandman.

What it actually is: Stun an enemy for the maximum possible duration by hitting them with a long-range ball.

0 points

No Hitter
We we said: Capture intelligence without dealing damage.

What it actually is: Steal and then capture the enemy intelligence without firing a shot.

Close enough!

1 point

Out of the Park
We we said: Hit someone with a bat so that he flys outside the map.

What it actually is: Bat an enemy 25 meters.

How, exactly does one bat an enemy 25 meters is beyond me. Are they referring to the ragdoll?

.5 points

Pop Fly
We we said: Dodge 2 consecutive explotions by double jumping.

What it actually is: Kill 20 players while double-jumping.

Those are explosions. Look at the sharp edges! This one should have been Batter Up.

0 points

Quick Hook
We we said: Dodge train in Well.

What it actually is: Kill a player in Well before the round starts.

0 points

Race for the Pennant
We we said: Be the first to take intelligence.

What it actually is: Run 25 kilometers.

It will be interesting to see how far 25 kilometers is.

0 points

Retire the Runner
We we said: Kill an enemy scout while he’s using the energy drink.

What it actually is: Kill a Scout while they are snared by the post-dodge slowdown effect.

0 points

Round Tripper
We we said: Take 3 intelligence in one life.

What it actually is: Capture the enemy intelligence 25 times.

0 points

Set the Table
We we said:  Be the first to capture a point in a round.

What it actually is: Initiate 10 point captures that ultimately succeed.

0 points

Side Retired
We we said: While left with a single point, capture 4 point consecutively.

What it actually is: Capture the last point in a CP map.

0 points

Stealing Home
We we said: Win a round by capturing a point in the last 5 seconds.

What it actually is: Start capping a capture point within a second of it becoming available.

0 points

Strike Zone
We we said: Stun 10 enemy pyros.

What it actually is: Kill 50 enemies while they are stunned.

0 points

The Big Hurt
We we said: Kill someone with baseball.

What it actually is: Stun 25 ÜberCharged enemies.

0 points

The Cycle
We we said: Kill someone in the air, ground and in water in a single life.

What it actually is: In a single life, kill an enemy while you are on the ground, in the air, and in

the water.

0 poi… oh wait we got this one right 1 point

Triple Play
We we said: Capture 3 points in a single life.

What it actually is: Capture three capture points in a row in one life.
This one too. 1 point

Triple Steal
We we said: Take an uncaptured point by killing enemy scouts.

What it actually is: Capture the enemy intelligence 3 times in a single CTF round.

0 points

Total points: 5.5 out of 35

Ouch. We didn’t do too good. Maybe next update we can do a bit better.

Also, announced today on an update to an older map, which is great, and a community map which looks like it belongs in CS:S.